Irregardless if you have been in a long or short relationship with another, it always is painful when one is ready for a change and the other isn’t.  Making the decision to stay or leave a person is not always a paired decision, but sometimes an individual idea which is decided without consultation or informing the other.  Recently, I have experienced my own break up with a man of 2+ years, which did not end in the best of terms.

People end their relationships for various reasons, some grow apart naturally, and others fall by the waste-side due to unfaithfulness, cheating, boredom, emotional distance and the like.  When fights start easily without any cause, when there is detachment within a person to another, and when trust is unrepairably broken, there is nothing more to do than to let things go.

Like my ex told me, a relationship built on a lie, will stay a lie.  I assume many things went wrong in our time together.  Starting a future together when you are uncertain of ones past and not willing to question them about your uncertainties are the beginning ingredients in a recipe for disaster.  In my case, it was a long distance relationship that had lost all trust.  In the beginning, there was a protective deception on my part…in the end of it, there was brutal deception from his.

As a sincere person, I always take things for heart as many women do and found it nothing but deceitful, blinding, painful and tasteless to find out third hand how a man I was devoted to was recently spending quality time with another woman.   It is normal to act out in anger and frustration when you realize your relationship is no more, and when your mate wasn’t the one to tell you.  Everyone accepts these revelations in different ways yet I reacted in lashing out then breaking down in my case.  Not the most mature thing to do yet it was the most fulfilling at the time, to appease my feelings of hurt and embarrassment.  Many have done worse, from physical fights to destroying of property, and I don’t condone these things at all.  I only say it is natural for anyone to voice the pain that they feel, and so I took advantage of my opportunity also.

A recent blog I was reading on the ending of relationships really completed my thoughts about my own situation and how to handle it best.  It follows:

In any relationship it is important to understand and accept a situation from the other’s perspective, even if that perspective is radically different from your own. It is also important to understand that expressed or unexpressed anger may generate a similar reaction – whether aggressive, passive aggressive and/or passive. While anger is a natural human emotion one cannot expect that response to anger will always be positive and constructive. The ability to unselfishly deal with both you and your partners anger and to non-defensively communicate your thoughts and feelings in the context of a trusting relationship is essential.

It is true that in any relationship there must be shared values on ethics and commitment. However, some feel we are drawn to people that help complete ourselves. It is in these relationships where there is the greatest potential for growth, precisely because both people are so different in personality and life orientation. Yet it is often true that these relationships may engender the most conflict- at least in the beginning and until both people learn to communicate unselfishly and acquire enough of an understanding of themselves and each other for healing to take place.

Accountability, honesty and commitment are crucial to a healthy relationship.

I have learned this well in the last week.  I have always shared my strength of commitment and have always taken accountability all of  my actions.  I have been honest always except in the first week of my almost three year relationship, when it seemed to have mattered the most.  But, two wrongs don’t make a right, and anyone who says “you do this, so I will do that” has a mentality that is not correct nor healthy for a relationship.

While relationships come and go, memories invariably last forever, so does a persons view of you and how you treated them from beginning to end.  What I can recommend is be honest from the start.  Be unselfish in your thinking and have continuous commitment and open communication.  If you want to end a relationship, be honest about it.  The more you drag on, the worse it will get.  If a relationship was built on something you don’t like or understand, then absolutely do not lead a person on to think you were okay with their faults, only to throw them in their face when your tired of them.  Absolutely do not lead your partner on.  If you want to see other people, voice it before doing so.  Do not cheat and do not be deceitful.  Do not use people for sex, money, or anything else-basically treat all as you would want to be treated.  Take these things to heed and you will have an amicable ending to a relationship gone bad, and most likely be able to remain friends in the end.

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